Tuesday, December 14, 2010

I'm going to burst.

SOMETIMES
I don't understand why I'm always,
kind of,
really just,
a...

Last resort.

I CAN FILE THROUGH MY HEAD ALL DAY AND NOT EVEN UNDERSTAND BUT,
I'm the only one who appears to be strange, and

WHY IS IT THAT YOU FOUND THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE
but I'm not even worth the fight?

can't you explain to me in detail why it was so easy just to.. give up?
AM I NOT A HUMAN BEING TOO?

Do I not have feelings?
Am I the only person you turn to?
And why is it that every time I hope it's my time to blow off this extra steam,
I'm being selfish?

And yet I pour out all I can, and I spread myself out so far as to mock the likeness of butter and jam on that slice of toast that I can't possibly be squeezed out any further cuz once you take that last bite,

the last bite of my soul,

I CAN'T EVEN BREATHE AGAIN.

Well please just,
OH PLEASE SIR DON'T EVEN BOTHER ANYMORE,
cuz if she's the love of your life than quit knocking at my door because I can't always be that girl to bring you comfort, and I can't always be that girl to love your girl.

AND Honestly I'm not even loved myself so DON'T RUB IT IN.
Because I starve for that love and attention,
and my ribcage is visible cuz you can see my heart beating so profusely,
so loud,
that it's blocking out the ability for me to hear a thing.
AND I CAN'T HEAR A THING.

Is my heart not visible?
Because it feels like it's going to rip out of this chest from all the love I'm giving out, and all the love I'm giving out just doesn't seem like it's enough.

BECAUSE I AM NOT ENOUGH.

So uh, let's bring it back to the giving up so quick..
Am I really not worth it?
Oh just tell me now so I don't have to waste all this energy on this love that isn't even needed, CUZ MY HEART NEEDS SOME MENDING.

But can I ask just one thing before you admit anything?
Can I for one day,
just ONE day feel important?
Because alot of the time I don't
and even though I'm around a huge group, it doesn't feel like love to me.
Cuz I just sit on the sidelines, and I watch, and I wait, cuz that's what I'm good at.

BUT IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?
Cuz I'll back down if you're really too busy... (selfish, lazy, heartless) to even bother with the subject, and I won't even bother if it's that difficult for you.


Oh God I feel awful this week, and I need you whole heartedly cuz I'm about to burst.....
and you're the only one I can turn to at this point.
Because I am Alone.

1 comment:

  1. Awww Brenna.. =(
    I hear alot of my own pleas over the years in this... I used to feel so excluded, so on the outer rim...
    I'd like to say I know exactly how you feel, but to be honest I'm not completely confident that I do..

    Brenna you mean so so much to me. I know it probably doesn't mean much...
    It's not something you probably can see very well... but you do all the same. I'm concerned about you. You're one of my best friends and when it comes to that, I want the very best for you and I want to be the very best for you.

    I want you to know that you can talk to me any timee, save that crazy random number that comes in on my texts and texttt it, it's always the same, I'm always available, especially for you. Even if just to talk. Hit me up on facebook, leave a wall post, send a message, cause there's so many ways to get a hold of me, its not even funny.

    I love you, Brenna. I hope you remember that(=

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