Friday, September 23, 2011

I almost don't know what to say...

I feel less than alive.
To me, nothing seems real, and I don't know what to do about it.

Ever since my dad passed away last year, I've been struggling.
Struggling to continue participating in life,
and it only stays at this constant, if not, more deep and shallow pit, and honestly, I can't find my way out.

I've been struggling with depression, for as long as I can think back to.

And it only gets worse.

Before I left for a conservation corps. camp, I was at, what I believe, to be the lowest of all possible thinking.

I didn't want to exist anymore,
I wanted to disappear, I didn't want to be anything to anyone or anything. I wanted to die.
Every time I drove home from work, getting t-boned by a large truck, driving off the cliff, swerving into the wrong side of traffic; were the most appealing ideas to my existence.

I had never felt so much hatred for myself than in those few months.

I went to the conservation corps. camp, (which lasted five weeks, though I left a week early due to injury) with the small bit of motivation that I wanted to change my outlook. To prove to myself that I wasn't such a waste of space.

And it helped,
the sunlight, the camping outside, the wilderness, the seclusion from society, was the medicine I needed to get my jumpstart on life. I felt inspired, and motivated to start up a new life.
That was in August.

But now,
I don't feel like that anymore.
I feel alone,
like suddenly, God, the Universe, or whatever else that's out there, has answered my prayer to be non-existent.

I feel more alone than I ever have,
even though, half of me is happy about this.

But the other half,
the longing half.
The half that wants to be important,
the half that wants to be pursued.
The half that wants to mean something,
the half that wants to be talked to more than the stereotypical "what's up? Want to hang out?"
This half, is the part of me that keeps me from being completely happy.

I'm so tired of how I let the world pull me down.

But I am so alone.

and I don't want to be alone.

I don't want to be a waste of a human being.
but that's how I feel.

I feel alone among the human race, because I don't meet standards.

Dumped, tossed aside, put on the back burner, it's where I'm always going to reside.
It has been my whole life, and I'm afraid it's not going to change.
This fear stops me.

I am left behind,
by everyone.

Girls move to a new best friend.
Guys find the something better.

But I'm left.

And I hate the feeling.
It makes me want to cry.

But I don't even know how much sadness I actually feel.

I don't feel alive.

I feel half dead.

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