Monday, October 31, 2011

Attacked Like No Other Force

What is it about these kinds of days?

Is it the fact that I'm a female, and I get over filled with hormones and emotions that demolish my mind, soul and body?

Is it in the religious sense that Satan, and demons are attacking my whole being to make me feel like scum and to turn me into an empty deep crevass with no light to guide others home?

Is it the world pressuring me to become selfish and to only live to fulfill my personal desires of sinful distaste?

Is it the grief that becomes so overbearing that makes me want to react in harsh, hutful ways?

Is it the loneliness that makes me want to become secluded in my thoughts and aloneness only to cry and become crazy in my corner of the world?

Or is it the obstacle, making me trip and hindering me from becoming a selfless human being?

I am a skeleton in a little fragile skin.

And my bones are becoming brittle in this brine I'm sinking in, the brine of disgust, hate, loathing, selfishness, and the blood of me breaking heart.

I am bleeding on the inside, and the brine of my self-esteem only makes me want to become vulgar and curse out my demons to LEAVE ME ALONE.

As I'm building a trust in the one whole person of my best friend, I still feel so far of becoming a secret less person.

May I scream profanity into the ears of my pursuers, may I spit the blood of my damaged heart into the face of those accusers who only want to bring me down.

BECAUSE YOU ONLY WANT TO BRING ME DOWN.

And don't lie to me because today I'm unbelieving, and this over-blown anxiety is what is defeating my happiness and creation of a goal that I built to create myself into a better human being.

Why does the world deserve to push my buttons and know how to truly beat me down? Why do my most deep secrets have the right to gnaw at my insides and remind me of the scum that I am?

Why am I not the better person who knows the correct and logical way to get out of this, and never let it affect me?

Why don't I take that correct way? Because I know the truth, I know the reasons to keep on fighting but I always feel so lazy and helpless because I can't even help myself.
Now, now, don't try to talk me down, don't try to tell me you know what I mean, because
you don't know what I mean, because you are not me.

So we will never be on the same page, and I'm sorry if this is my anger speaking, or just this short 1 day phase I'm feeling, but this is important.
Next time I speak, I wish you could see is that all I want you to do is listen,
and my nod so I know you're paying attention, but I don't need a solution, I need a confidence so I may be vulgar,
and not feel like your judgement is making me feel less of a person.

But GOD,
you are my only confidence, and why, if I fully have trust in you do I not speak only to you, because I am imperfect and shaky and ignorant, and maybe if I get past my selfishness I'll speak to you.
But maybe it's that fear of false judgement,
or maybe it's that nod I'm not seeing to know you're there.

God I am afraid,
that even though I know you love me 100% for who I am, I'm afraid of my subconscious abandonment that I so quickly fall to when I myself, don't want to be alone.

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