Friday, January 13, 2012

But We Are All Not Mistakes Through The Heart,

In 24 days, I will no longer be a teenager, I will no longer feel at ease to be doing nothing.
I will be taking the first steps into "legal" adulthood, my last few days, as a youngling... are fading.

And I'm slowly gaining the confidence to welcome this age with open arms.

I feel very neutral lately.
Right now, I'm at a friend's house, we're watching Dr. Who.
Have been since yesterday afternoon.

It's a nice rest from the many days of being all over the place,
quite literally, I've been an emotional wreck.
I've been scared, lonely, angry, and sad.
It's been tossing me back and forth, throwing me side to side on the rocky shores of whatever grief...or teenage emotional things that I've been faced with.
And it's sickening, I'm incredibly apathetic, and I hardly care.
Except I do.

Though throughout it, my faith couldn't be stronger with God, he provides me peace in the worst of it. And He's the best help I've got.

It makes me frustrated sometimes when people think I "need Jesus" when I'm sad and alone. I have Jesus everyday of my life, He never leaves, so why do you think I need Him when I already have Him? So often, I get scriptures thrown at me, the old "just put everything in God's hands, and it will be okay" speech, and the overpowering feeling like my faith must not be strong if I'm sad. I'm sorry, but as a human living in a sinful Earth, even with God it's entirely impossible to be happy all the time and not have rough patches, especially with this heavy load of grief on my shoulders. I appreciate my Christian friends just as much as anyone else, but sometimes the strong sense of superiority radiates from those I know because they are better versed in their Bibles than I, so then simply I must have the wrong relationship with God. I tell you, my friend, I have the right relationship with God, I don't pray for myself simply because I talk to God, everyday. And I feel like people miss that point in the relationships they have with God. They're filling the void of Christianity WITH Christianity and it creates awkward boundaries between us, because every time I need someone to LISTEN, I get smacked in the face with the Bible and a "well it sounds like you need Jesus". That makes me sad. No bitterness, but sadness that it seems as though my relationship is failing to those I know.

But it is very strong, and I don't need to prove it.
Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior, and that will never change.
Everyday I am learning more and continuing on as God helps my path, despite my apathy and sadness, etc...

This is my thoughts for the moment,
and I digress this is my last on the subject because I'm releasing this frustration, and letting it go for good.

My birthday is next month,
will you bid my teenage self a sweet farewell for the last time?

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